Sunday, July 1, 2012

Half-New Years Day

My heart is still broken, but I'm on the mend. The truth is that sometimes I feel like my Pawpaw is still here, living in Clermont, sitting in his favorite chair. I forget that he's gone. The hard moments are when I think of a story that includes him, or when I think of planning the next visit, or I pass his cellphone number in my phone, or when I make the guest list for a coed baby shower and I can't include his name. Those are the moments that sting, the moments that build pressure in my chest and bring tears to my eyes. And then I feel a sweet little foot (I think it's a foot) kicking me from the inside out and I remember that I still have a lot to be thankful for which is just enough to send those tears streaming down my face. 

I am so emotional these days. 

I wonder if she will have reddish blond hair like him, or milky white, scotch irish skin.

I reread my New Years Resolution today. 

To be evergreen.

I had forgotten all about it. Funny how my resolution was to live all year long and how life has gotten in the way of it. Living on purpose is an entirely different animal than mere survival and I've not done a great job of being evergreen. I'll be the first to admit that but I'm gearing up to try again. There are so many things I want for my little girl, and one of them is to be remembered as a joyful and peaceful mother. I want her to know me as someone who is steady and full of life, even in the face of adversity, someone who is evergreen. 

What better time to learn to be peaceful than in the midst of chaos? At least, that's what I'm telling myself, because those are the circumstances I've been given. It's so easy to be discontent in this world. People who have money are happy. People who have romance and love are happy. People who are beautiful are happy. People who have extraordinary talent and intelligence are happy. People who have an "easy" life are happy. This is the message that is force fed to us every day, but it just doesn't settle as truth with me. I guess I've read too many underdog stories. I've come to believe that every day is a new battle for contentment and some days I fail miserably. Ok, most days, and some of those days, I'll admit, I hardly tried, running on autopilot. But today I'm resolving to live more purposefully daily. 

Who says that resolutions can only be made once a year? If you can have a half-birthday, certainly you can have a half new year. And who says that half new years resolution can't be the same one you made six months ago? My resolution is usually the same every year anyway, to lose weight. So I'm making my half-new years resolution and it's to lose an altogether different kind of weight. I resolve to live more purposefully, in spite of my circumstances. I resolve to stay alive even in the midst of death. I resolve to be steady and strong. I want to be evergreen. I want to live all year long. So I'm putting down my burdens of worry and stress and discontentment each day. It's hard to live with all that death upon your shoulders. I don't expect to be instantly happy and I don't expect to stop missing my Pawpaw, but I will be grateful for the time I had with him. I will be grateful for my little baby girl who is kicking so hard I can see my belly squirm. I will be grateful for the career I'm blessed to have and the husband who is such a strong support and my very best friend. And if I fail again today, I resolve to try again tomorrow. 

Happy Half New Years.

"Try to become not a man of success, but try rather to become a man of value


Albert Einstein 

“The tragedy of life is what dies inside a man while he lives.”

 Albert Schweitzer


  1. I agree. I love reading your blog. I'm thinking of you, Lindsey- sad for your loss - happy for your sweet moments with Baby Kaydence- she'll be here before you know it! I love you! ~Jaclyn